Vulnerability is not weakness. And that myth is profoundly dangerous. Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change. – Brené Brown
I’m not sure where expectations come from for me. I never had overly-strict people in my life shoving expectations down my throat. I think it was just because everyone I’ve ever loved seemed so independent, strong, successful and in their “right mind”, I assumed I had to be the same.
So I created a life for myself where I went to school, worked, had friends, considered relationships, was social enough and had some talents/skills.
It was August of 2017 and I was having, as usual, an amazing summer. I was comfortable. Every week looked the same: I went to work during the day, went to prayer meetings, bible studies, youth nights and church every week, and hung out with the same friends every week. I was so happy! So, what went wrong?
All it took was 3 days for my entire world to turn upside down. I had just come back from an amazing camping trip when I began to look at myself in a different light. All of a sudden, I didn’t feel as pretty as I once did; I didn’t see potential for myself as I once did; I wasn’t as calm as I once felt; I don’t think I even liked myself or where I was anymore… I didn’t feel like I was meeting anyone’s expectations, not even myself. What happened?
You know when someone you trust accidentally says the wrong thing and it leaves you thinking, ‘Am I mad at them? Are they right? Is it my fault?’ Well something like this happened to me. This person that I trusted accidentally said the wrong thing because, guess what? We’re humans. Sometimes we will mess up and we will say the wrong thing. We won’t always have the right things to say, we won’t always know the right answers, and our hope is that people will be merciful enough with us to forgive us and hopefully forget what we said that was so messed up. I am working on doing that, but at the time, I was looking to this person for guidance. I expected them to say the right things and to take my side. I was not just told the wrong thing, but I was completely shut down as an individual and my feelings were not validated. 3 days later I ended up in the hospital for letting my feelings get the best of me and for telling myself that I am as bad as that person told me I was. After being hospitalized for some time, I wanted to get out and make a complete, drastic change in my life.
I did what I thought people would see as “courageous” and dropped everything I knew and loved to leave on an adventure that I thought would change me for the better. It did… Just not how I expected. I drove in a car with someone for 2 months across the entire country, spending money I didn’t have and pretending to be someone I thought people would find cool, but not who I really was. Ever since I was young I loved being an actress, so I thought it’d be fun to pretend to be someone I’m not again. What a mistake that was…
The people I had once loved all told me that they didn’t even recognize me anymore. The reality of the situation was that I didn’t recognize myself anymore either, but I didn’t feel like doing anything about it. I wanted a new identity, I wanted to be a new person anyways! So I took people’s remarks as progress. I just never realized I was falling off and far away from all the good things that made me, ME! Until one day, I did the one thing that changed my entire mindset for the better. No, not the better: THE BEST.
I went to a place alone for a full day where I wouldn’t have anyone impacting the answers to the questions I was asking myself in my head. EVERYONE has an opinion and we are all quick to give our opinion when given the opportunity. So I took myself to a place where people’s bias wouldn’t affect my thought process. What I was really doing during this process was taking my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual self away from my circumstances and looking at who I am as a being. This is the most important thing to realize: Our circumstances do not define who we are as individuals. That was my first step in accepting my reality: I had messed up. I didn’t “lose” my way, I willingly took myself down the wrong road that I never belonged on. Once I had taken myself away from my circumstances, I came to a place of realization. My next step should have been freaking out or severe depression, but for some reason, my brain decided to skip that and went straight to, “Ok, I accept this, now what am I going to do about it to change it?”
I made a list. 2 actually. I made one list of the things that brought me joy and positive growth in the last 3 years of my life. I made another list that consisted of the toxic things that have weighed me down in the last 3 years. This can be a tricky process because there are differences between the things we don’t like in our lives that are toxic vs. the things we don’t like in our lives that are growing us, expanding us, and moulding us into better people. There are differences between the things that bring us temporary happiness and the things that will leave us with everlasting joy. Wisdom is knowing the difference.
After having messed up, lied, sacrificed, cried and hurt so much trying to change myself into somebody I was never going to be, I was tired of making the wrong decisions. It was time to face the truth about the things I needed to change. It was time to gain the courage to change the things I was scared of changing. It was time to accept the things I would never be able to change. It was time to know the difference of
what is good and what is bad for me.
It has been 7 days since I realized how badly I have messed up, and to the people who love me and have tried to help me through this horrible and terrible process that I put all of us through… I’m sorry. Words will never be enough to explain to you the regret I feel for putting you through watching me go through this. But if it hadn’t been for you, I would not have had the faith that good things are possible again. Thank you for giving me hope for redemption, forgiveness and blessings.
I do not have everything figured out, and I’m convinced that I will die not knowing everything I’d like to know. But I do know empathy and I do know love. I have messed up and I am so far from perfect, but I will always be willing to try.
Although you don’t need to know all the ugly things I went through, I do want you to know this:
The reason I have written and told you everything above is because I know there is no way I am the only one going through a difficult time right now. The only reason I am so familiar with empathy is because I have opened up to people in a way that makes us feel that we are not alone in the things we go through. DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND: No 2 people will ever feel the same experience in the same way because everyone’s hearts are wired to be beautifully different. But in vulnerability, we create a space where 2 hearts can open up without feeling judged, scared, etc. The one thing I have to say is this:
We have to all stop pretending like we’re 100% okay, like we’ve never messed up and like we’ve never suffered.
Maybe you have a full time job. Maybe you’re in school full time and the college strike stressed you out beyond belief so now you’re trying to catch up. Maybe you have a spouse and a family that you need to get to every day. It doesn’t matter what your current situation is, Icannot stress this enough: I am so tired of everyone around me pretending that they’re their own standards of perfection when in reality, a lot of us beat ourselves up.
It’s okay to not be okay.
I am not the only one who is suffering right now. I know you have things that are hurting you too.
You are worthy and you deserve to be heard. Don’t minimize your importance or your value.
I am the most imperfect person I know, so I know, first hand, that there is always hope for redemption and reconciliation from any circumstance you may be in.
The ugly things that you see about yourself DO NOT define you. Take ‘who you are’ out of your circumstances and look at just who you are as a being in order to see the beauty of who you are as a PERSON, not just the things you’ve done or haven’t done.
We have all messed up. You are not unforgivable! We are humans, we mess up, we forgive and we move forward.
Don’t let someone tell you that your feelings are not valid. Sometimes even the biggest, richest, most successful people feel down too, and it’s not necessarily because their circumstances are not ideal. Find someone willing to empathize with you that can validate your feelings.
I am going out on a whim here and trying something completely new and potentially crazy:
There are MANY of you who need a shoulder to cry on, a friend to lean on, and an ear that will listen. As I am currently unemployed, I encourage you to visit my “Contact Me” page for ways to get in touch with me. I am not promising you answers or good advice. What I can offer you is my empathy, my listening ear, my support, my heart and my love. There are none of you that are an exception to my rule. Send me an email or give me a call if you need to simply talk. NOTE: I am not asking you to tell me your deepest darkest secrets. What you share is UP TO YOU and I will never pry. When I tell you that I’m here to talk, I mean that you can talk and I will listen, or I can distract you from what you’re going through by simply talking about anything else.
I know what it’s like to have a best friend, parents that love you, and a relationship with someone, but to still feel completely alone and not know who to talk to/who will listen. Please remember: YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN! I want you to know you have someone to call that isn’t expecting anything in return and just wants to make sure that you’re going to be okay. The reason I offer this to you is because I know what it’s like to be surrounded by people but still feel lonely. I don’t want anyone to feel the way I have this last little bit, and I know I can’t fix you or solve the world’s problems, but I believe every conversation can help. Little by little a difference will be made.